


Up to No Good: A Marauders Sitcom

by wizardtowizard



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Comedy, F/M, I'll probably add more tags once I understand how this ding dang website works, M/M, Wolfstar will definitely happen at some point, marauders era sitcom, partially shitposting but there are some legitimately good jokes in here somewhere, script
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 16:51:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12657552
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wizardtowizard/pseuds/wizardtowizard
Summary: Wacky sitcom hilarity ensues as the Marauders take on their fifth year at Hogwarts. Can James get Lily to go out with him? Does anyone hear what Peter is hearing? What exactly is up with Kingsley Shacklebolt? Will Snape ever figure out where the Marauders keep their illegal pets? Find out here, where we present to you the script for a Marauders-era sitcom. Each chapter is a self-contained episode, so you have nothing to lose.





	Up to No Good: A Marauders Sitcom

**Author's Note:**

> Episode Summary: After Remus becomes Prefect, The Marauders decide they're going to go a full year without getting detention.
> 
> Hey, all! This is a side-project Kit and I do. I'm super proud of it, and I hope you'll all enjoy reading it as much as we enjoy writing it!  
> ~Quill

**1\. INT. GREAT HALL -- EVENING**

_The beginning of the year feast. The Sorting Hat is carried away and Dumbledore stands, addressing the Hogwarts students._

DUMBLEDORE  
Another year, another start to a wondrous adventure here at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I hope you are all as excited for this school year as I am. A new year is a spectacular opportunity to become a better you. We are all in need of improving. Why, I remember just this June when an old colleague of mine told me…

 _Dumbledore’s speech fades into the background as we pan to The Marauders. James, Sirius, Remus, and Peter lean in to focus on far more important matters_.

REMUS  
Alright, I have something very important to discuss with you all. (They nod seriously. Remus takes a deep breath.) I know that acting up is kind of our thing --

PETER  
We are called “The Marauders.”

REMUS  
Right, exactly. But this year I’m a Prefect, and we really need to at least try to tone it down so we’re not in detention every other week.

JAMES  
We’ve been discussing this already, Moons. We’ve all decided that this year, we’re going to be your good boys.

SIRIUS  
Yeah Moons, your good boys!

REMUS  
Why did you just say that? Why did you say that to me?

PETER  
All they said is that we’re gonna be your good boys.

REMUS  
Somehow it sounds even worse coming from you.

JAMES  
What’s the problem? We’re gonna do exactly what you said. You said you want us to be your good boys.

REMUS  
I said nothing of the sort!

SIRIUS  
So you’re saying you _don’t_ want us to be your good boys?

REMUS  
No! I’m saying I want you to be good, and it’s fine if you’re boys, but I don’t want to hear you keep saying it like that. Listen, can we just have a good year where we try not to get detention?

SIRIUS  
Only if you call us your good boys.

REMUS  
(losing it, a bit, and progressively raising his voice) You are NOT my good boys! You have never _been_ my good boys! You never _will be_ my good boys! You are, in fact, decidedly bad boys!

 _Everyone in the Great Hall is now staring at Remus, which he has just noticed. His face goes red and he sinks in his seat. Dumbledore’s eyes twinkle_.

DUMBLEDORE  
Well, good boys aside, I’m sure we’ll all have a fantastic year. You may all go to your respective dorms.

REMUS  
(muttering) I have to… go take the first years to the tower.

 _Remus stalks off as quickly as he can manage, still red, and darts out of sight once he leaves the Great Hall. Lily, the other Prefect, ushers the first years out of sight. Sirius, James, and Peter are still chuckling_.

SIRIUS  
Really, though, I think we should try to do what Moony asked. We’re 15, after all! Practically men! We should start acting like it. Let’s try a year of no detentions!

JAMES & PETER  
Here, here!

CUT TO:

**2\. INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM -- NIGHT**

_James, Sirius, and Peter are all gathered around a large table with a large piece of spread out parchment. James points purposefully with his wand_.

JAMES  
As you can see, I have done some preliminary brainstorming to come up with a plan to fill the void not doing pranks will leave. I propose that we try to use that energy to help the needy! Prime examples of complete trainwreck losers in need of our help -- Severus “Snivellus” Snape and Professor Minerva McGonagall.

PETER  
Why is Lily Evans written down?

JAMES  
Evans isn’t a loser. She’s simply a young witch who is tragically also a muggleborn. It is my duty to teach her how to blend into our pureblood-centric society. Not because there’s anything wrong with being a muggleborn, but for her own safety, you understand?

PETER  
Is anyone concerned for _my_ safety?

JAMES  
Shut up, Peter --

SIRIUS  
(simultaneously, delayed) --UT UP, PETER--

JAMES  
\--we’re talking about Evans.

SIRIUS  
Okay, but what can we possibly do to help these people? They’re completely lost causes. I’ve written them off long ago.

JAMES  
I’m glad you asked, Padfoot. Severus “Snivellus” Snape. What’s the most tragic thing about him?

PETER  
His nose.

SIRIUS  
His fashion sense.

PETER  
His nerdy...everything.

SIRIUS  
His blatant racism. And his face.

JAMES  
Okay, okay, so there’s a lot that’s tragic about him, but that’s the point. We need to usher him into a metamorphosis. It’s our duty to turn this hideous caterpillar into a better-than-terrible moth.

PETER  
That… might actually work. I can--

 _Sirius clamps his hand over Peter’s mouth_.

SIRIUS  
Clearly there is no one better suited for this Herculean task than I.

JAMES  
Just what I was thinking, Padfoot. You are the coolest amongst us. Truly a god among men.

PETER  
Jesus Christ.

SIRIUS  
“Sirius” is fine.

JAMES  
Really, Wormtail, if you want to blend in with the purebloods you should say “Merlin” instead. Anyway, Padfoot, you’ve got Snape duty. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to make that boy something resembling the shadow of being cool. Can you do it?

SIRIUS  
Yes, sir.

JAMES  
It could be dangerous.

SIRIUS  
I am prepared to accept any hardships that come my way for the betterment of the pack, sir.

JAMES  
At ease! Wormtail, you’ll have McGonagall duty.

PETER  
What does that even mean?

JAMES  
McGonagall is a lonely, bitter old crone, and it’s your job to help her find love in this war-torn landscape.

PETER  
This seems like a really bad idea, Prongs. Like, I’m just asking for detention at this point.

JAMES  
No, Wormtail. Your duty is the most sacred of them all, and your delicate touch is just the touch this plan needs to keep from going south. I have hand chosen you as the most suitable amongst us for this task. Are you saying you refuse?

PETER  
I don’t not refuse.

JAMES  
Look Wormtail, you’re gonna do it; it’s gonna be great; and when we get invited to her wedding I’m going to make sure we all have matching suits and Lily, of course, will be radiant on my arm and--

PETER  
Is this another scheme to get Lily to go out with you?!

JAMES  
Of course not, Wormtail! This is a scheme to get McGonagall to go out with literally anyone.

SIRIUS  
I think it’s a lovely scheme, Prongs.

JAMES  
Thank you, Padfoot. Now, moving on. Evans has exactly three years before she’s cast out into an unfamiliar magical world on the brink of war, and I have to prepare her. I shall remake her into a flourishing pureblood princess --

SIRIUS  
This is getting a little weird, mate.

JAMES  
Noted. My point is that I’m going to teach her how to blend in, so when the time comes, she can pass if she needs to. Alright, men, our plans commence tomorrow. Rest up, start scheming, and Padfoot? I need my underwear back when you’re done with it. Dismissed.

CUT TO:

**3\. INT. LIBRARY -- AFTERNOON**

_Remus sits in the Library, looking listlessly up at the ceiling. He is woefully bored. He fidgets and twirls his quill in his hand. He starts doodling random lines on his parchment. He looks down and suddenly realizes he’s written the word, “Dungbombs?” He jolts up, suddenly, slamming his quill to the table_.

REMUS  
(loudly) I need to get a hobby!

BACKGROUND SLYTHERIN  
No one cares.

 _Remus looks around and spots Adelia, a Ravenclaw in his year. He approaches her_.

REMUS  
Hey...you…

ADELIA  
Remus! Uh, oh! Hi! It’s Adelia.

REMUS  
Yeah, right, exactly. Hey, do you have a hobby?

ADELIA  
I have a bunch of hobbies. Here, I’ll list some: chess--

REMUS  
Chess! Yes, that’s perfect. Let’s play chess.

ADELIA  
Together?

REMUS  
You can’t play chess alone, right?

ADELIA  
No.

REMUS  
Then, yeah, sure. Let’s play chess.

 _Time lapse to Remus and Adelia playing chess. Remus is frowning at the board while Adelia goes on and on_.

ADELIA  
And it’s very interesting, because I had no idea pygmy puffs could behave like that, but they do! Which, of course, means that when we use their fur for potions like Healing Draughts we’re running the risk of-- Oh! I got your Queen again. Checkmate!

REMUS  
Chess… might not be my thing.

ADELIA  
No, I don’t think it is. Maybe--

REMUS  
Well, this has been fun. See ya later, Amelia.

 _Remus walks away from the table. Adelia calls after him_.

ADELIA  
It’s Adelia!

REMUS  
(calling back, not turning around) Yes, right! Exactly!

CUT TO:

**4\. INT. DUNGEON CORRIDOR -- MIDDAY**

_Sirius examines his nails as he leans against the dungeon wall, periodically looking around. Severus Snape rounds the corner and freezes immediately when he sees Sirius_.

SNAPE  
What fresh hell is this?

SIRIUS  
Listen, Sniv-- I mean… Severus? Yeah, feels weird. Compromise. Snape!

SNAPE  
What do you want, Black?

SIRIUS  
Boy have I got an opportunity of a lifetime for you.

SNAPE  
I’m overjoyed.

 _Snape continues to walk, intending on leaving the situation far behind him. Sirius walks with him_.

SIRIUS  
I promise this will be worth your while.

_Snape stops to stare Sirius down._

SNAPE  
You have one minute.

SIRIUS  
I’m going to make you popular! Well… Cool… Well, cool-ish. I’m going to make you a slightly better version of yourself, and let’s be honest, it’s only up from here.

SNAPE  
You know, I heard some rumors that you went clinically insane and ran away from your family over the summer, but I didn’t realize how bad it was. Do you need care? Should I send for a nurse from St. Mungo’s?

SIRIUS  
I appreciate what you’re trying to do here, but it’s not going to work. Your cruel words are just a cry for help. Classic redirection.

 _Snape looks like he’s about to argue, but his face twists up into a sour look of amusement_.

SNAPE  
You know what, Black? Fine. Show me the light.

CUT TO:

**5\. INT. SLUGHORN’S OFFICE -- MIDDAY**

_Slughorn sits at his desk grading papers. There’s a knock at the door. He looks tired_.

SLUGHORN  
Come in.

 _Peter enters looking sheepish. He’s holding a package of candied coconut, which he fumbles a bit as he closes the door behind him_.

SLUGHORN  
(eyeing him) Can I help you with something, Mr. Pettigrew?

PETER  
I think maybe we can help each other.

 _Slughorn gives him a dubious look. Peter can tell this isn’t going so well, and offers the package to Slughorn as though he was offering a sacrifice to a dark, bloodthirsty old god_.

PETER  
I brought you some delicious candied coconut. I know it’s your favorite.

SLUGHORN  
I’m afraid I’m quite allergic to coconut, actually.

PETER  
Oh, really? Uh… Well… Maybe you can just… lick the sugar off?

SLUGHORN  
Are you finished?

PETER  
Unfortunately, yes.

SLUGHORN  
Good, because I hated every part of this start to finish.

PETER  
I understand. I’ll just, uh…

 _Peter makes his stumbling way out and leans against the office door, running a hand over his face_.

PETER  
Why am I like this?

CUT TO:

**6\. EXT. HOGWARTS GROUNDS -- MIDDAY**

_Lily and Alice walk around the Great Lake, laughing at some joke. James rushes up behind them and squeezes in between, draping his arms around their shoulders_.

JAMES  
Ladies…

ALICE  
(flatly) Oh my god.

LILY  
(to ALICE): I’m so sorry.

JAMES  
Not yet you aren’t.

ALICE  
Ugh.

JAMES  
Listen, Evans, I know that you’ve been going through a lot recently.

LILY  
Have I?

JAMES  
Of course you have! The rise of a Dark Arts-loving idiot who wants to murder you and everyone like you… Woof. Rough buddy. But, I have great news that’s definitely going to help you and will in no way backfire magnificently.

ALICE  
Lily, I should go…

LILY  
Please don’t leave me here alone with him! Alice, I’ll do anything!

ALICE  
Ugh.

JAMES  
Don’t think you can control yourself around me alone, eh, Evans? Well, that’s understandable. I--

LILY  
Get to the point, Potter.

JAMES  
Right, well. Seeing as you’re so tragically muggleborn -- not that there’s anything wrong with that -- I’ve decided to take you under my wing. As the only pureblood friend you have--

ALICE  
I’m right here.

JAMES  
Yeah, but you’re not part of the Sacred Twenty-Eight.

 _Lucius stops dead in his tracks where he was walking arm-in-arm with Narcissa_.

LUCIUS  
Neither are you. C’mon, Cissy, I can’t bear to breath the same air as… these people.

NARCISSA  
Never call me that again.

 _They walk away with an air of superiority. There’s a pause while the three watch them leave as quick as they’d come_.

JAMES  
My point is, I’m going to teach you how to forget all those pesky behaviors that you get from your culture.

LILY  
No thanks.

 _She ducks out from under his arm and quickens her pace. Alice follows suit. James smirks, ready for the challenge, and follows them relentlessly_.

CUT TO:

**7\. INT. LIBRARY -- LATE AFTERNOON**

_Remus sits, sighing loudly into the void_.

REMUS  
I need a new hobby.

BACKGROUND SLYTHERIN  
You need to shut up.

 _Remus ignores this as he glances around the library. His eyes land on Benji, a Hufflepuff sitting a couple tables away, crocheting a vibrant blanket_.

REMUS  
(yell-whispering) PSST! BENJI! HEY!

 _Benji, startled, frowns and looks around to see if Remus could be talking to anyone else. He points at himself questioningly_.

REMUS  
Yeah, you!

BENJI  
(whispering furiously) You made me drop a stitch!

REMUS  
I have no idea what that means. Hey, you have a hobby, right?

BENJI (incredulous) I’m literally doing a hobby right now.

REMUS  
Great! Then you’re a perfect candidate!

 _Remus moves closer to Benji and sits next to him, much to Benji’s chagrin_.

BENJI  
Well, I guess that’s it for crocheting today.

REMUS  
Why? You can teach me!

Benji looks him up and down appraisingly.

BENJI  
I really can’t.

REMUS  
Why not?

BENJI  
You don’t have a crocheter’s body.

 _Remus chooses to move on_.

REMUS  
There has to be some hobby you can help me get into. Hufflepuffs are always doing weird shit.

BENJI  
Fine. We’ll start small and work our way up.

**A SERIES OF SHOTS**

_Remus and Benji work on a cross-stitch project. Remus is tangled up in thread and has several band-aids on his fingers._

_Benji observes as Remus does a paint-by-number project. Remus is covered in paint, and jabs at the canvas unceremoniously. He breaks his paintbrush and accidentally stabs himself in the palm. Benji shakes his head._

_Benji hands Remus a set of chopsticks and a glue gun. Remus struggles with it_.

REMUS  
(frustrated) Why are we even making wands out of chopsticks and glue? We have actual wands!

BENJI  
(equally frustrated) Because it’s fun and soothing, and it’s nice to make something _beautiful, Lupin_!

REMUS  
Wow, okay... it was _just_ a question.

 _He burns himself with the hot glue_.

REMUS  
OUCH MOTHERF--

 _Benji and the other gathered Hufflepuffs clap their hands over their ears_.

BENJI  
Listen, you clearly don’t understand the subtle art of crafting. I don’t think I can help you. I don’t think anyone can.

REMUS  
Great, fine, cool, awesome, whatever. Thanks for nothing Benjo -- if that even is your _real_ name.

BENJI  
It’s NOT. You know it’s not!

 _Remus swipes his arm across the table, making all the crafts crash to the floor and walks backwards out of the room, arms spread wide in open defiance_.

CUT TO:

**8\. INT. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM -- NIGHT**

_The Marauders are settled in the Common Room. Remus paces furiously in front of the fireplace. Sirius reads a magazine. James and Peter play a round of exploding snap_.

REMUS  
And then Bimby--

SIRIUS  
\-- still talking about Benji, right?

REMUS  
Of course. Anyway, _Bernardo_ told me he couldn’t teach me how to crochet!

SIRIUS  
Well of course not. You don’t have a crocheter’s body.

REMUS  
Oh, really? I see how it is. Well I’m going to take this hot piece of non-crocheting ass straight to the prefect’s bathroom where I know it’ll be appreciated!

LILY  
(from across the room) He’s talking about Moaning Myrtle.

REMUS  
Not helping, Evans!

 _He storms out of the room, and James and Peter exchange looks. Sirius, unphased, continues to read his magazine_.

PETER  
What’s his problem?

SIRIUS  
(offhandedly, without looking up) He’s used to channeling his aggression through our pranks and by trying to keep us in line. Without that distraction, it’s coming out in other ways. His behavior will probably get progressively worse as this goes on until either we all end up in detention, breaking our resolution and things return to normal, or he ends up in detention as a result of his actions. (as an afterthought) Or, he snaps and murders us all, at which point he’ll end up in Azkaban which, if you think about it, is really just detention for criminals.

PETER  
That’s was… dazzlingly insightful.

SIRIUS  
Yeah, as if I don’t know my way around Remus John Lupin. I watch him constantly. Every move, every thought, every stray breath he takes is one hundred percent within my sights. I know him better and more intimately than he even knows himself.

PETER  
Prongs, you’re… You’re hearing this, right?

JAMES  
Hearing what? This beautiful epitaph to broship? Yeah, I’m hearing it, and it’s breathtaking.

PETER Yeah, we’ll unpack that later. Anyway, I wasn’t able to really talk to Slughorn, but don’t worry. I have a foolproof plan to get him and McGonagall together!

JAMES  
It’s not just trapping them in a classroom with a bunch of romantic stuff and telling them to kiss is it? Because, let me tell you, I’ve tried that, and it doesn’t work.

PETER  
That’s a much better plan, thanks Prongs!

 _Peter bolts up the stairs to the Boy’s Dormitory to start working on his plans_.

JAMES  
(calling after him) Wait, no, I said don’t do that -- don’t do… and he’s gone. Oh well, his tragedy.

 _Sirius suddenly closes his magazine and sits bolt upright_.

SIRIUS  
Wait, Moaning Myrtle?!

**CUT TO: 9. INT. GREAT HALL -- MORNING**

_Remus approaches the Slytherin table, looking like hell, and sits down with Narcissa, Lucius, Brutus, and Crabbe. Crabbe works on crocheting hats at a cartoonish speed_.

REMUS  
Narcissa, what’s your hobby?

NARCISSA  
I pit men against each other for my affections.

 _Remus considers this for a moment, seemingly weighing his options, before shaking his head_.

REMUS  
(more to himself than anyone) No, that’ll never work. I don’t even have a crocheter’s body.

 _The Slytherins mumble in agreement (ad-lib: “You really don’t, no_.”).

BRUTUS  
I can teach you how to run a small business.

REMUS  
That’s… That’s actually quite sensible.

CUT TO:

**10\. INT. CORRIDOR -- MIDDAY **

_James follows a harried Lily, holding pictures in front of her as they walk_.

JAMES  
And this is how you need to dress -- I can buy you a set of robes later. And this is how you wear your hair. No pureblood alive would wear their hair like you do.

LILY  
Watch it, Potter.

JAMES  
And you simply must watch your posture.

LILY  
Would you please piss off, Potter?

JAMES  
Language, Evans. Pureblood ladies never curse.

 _Bellatrix pushes between them_.

BELLATRIX  
Get the fuck out of my way, losers!

 _Lily raises an eyebrow_.

CUT TO:

**11\. INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM -- MIDDAY**

_Sirius circles Snape, taking in his new project. He sighs deeply_.

SIRIUS  
Okay, so lesson one of How To Be Cool Like Me covers general hygiene. So, two things. First, wash your hair. Second, wash your hair again. Two more things. First--

SNAPE  
Why couldn’t you just say four things? And exactly how long is this going to take?

SIRIUS  
Questions like that are super uncool. Also, if it were anyone else, I’d be able to give a specific time frame, but with you, I’m afraid there’s just no way of knowing. As I was saying, two more things. First, have you ever considered a shrinking spell on your nose? Second, really, wash your hair again. Just keep washing your hair until I tell you to stop.

 _Snape moans in misery_.

CUT TO:

**12\. INT. ROMANTIC CLASSROOM -- MIDDAY**

_Peter rushes into the classroom, breathing heavily. The classroom is decked out in roses, cherubs, and a chorus of lilting harps. He takes it all in, a bit frantic_.

PETER  
Okay, McGonagall’s on her way thinking she’s gonna find some trouble. Slughorn is coming to deal with a “potion emergency” -- God, Pettigrew, you’re a genius -- and everything is in its place…

 _There’s movement outside the door. Peter jumps and runs to a hiding place behind some rose bushes in the corner. McGonagall enters, followed closely by Slughorn_.

MCGONAGALL  
Ah, Horace, good. I see you’re here to stop the troublemaking as well.

SLUGHORN  
No, I’m here on official Potions Master business. Now...what is all this?

MCGONAGALL  
Revolting.

SLUGHORN  
Why, Minerva, it looks like someone wants us to have a romantic dinner together

MCGONAGALL  
All right, that’s enough.

 _McGonagall turns to leave. Peter comes clambering from his hiding place_.

PETER  
Wait!

MCGONAGALL  
I shouldn’t be, but I’m still surprised you’re here.

PETER  
Makes sense. I’m here to help you two fall in love.

MCGONAGALL  
This is heinously inappropriate.

SLUGHORN  
I don’t know Minerva, I’ve always felt that pull, you know, and --

MCGONAGALL  
No. Stop talking. Do not continue.

PETER  
Please, Professor. We all know you’re a lonely cat lady, and by that I mean you are a lady who becomes a cat, with no hopes of a passionate -- you know, I’m just going to stop talking now.

MCGONAGALL  
A rare, wise choice. But I’m still giving you detention for luring us here under false pretenses.

 _Thus, the downfall of Peter_.

CUT TO:

**13\. INT. DUNGEON CORRIDOR -- MIDDAY **

_Brutus puts an arm around Remus and hands him a small bag. Brutus points to Marlin, a Ravenclaw passerby_.

BRUTUS  
See him? That’s Marlin. Your job is to sell Marlin these drugs. It shouldn’t be too hard; Marlin loves drugs. Just sidle up to him and pop that sweet question.

REMUS  
Sidle?

BRUTUS  
Yeah, y’know. Like this.

 _Brutus makes a wavy motion with his shoulders_.

REMUS  
Uh, right, good. Yes… I’m just going to go… sidle up and sell drugs… to this random person. Yep, that’s what I’m gonna do.

 _Remus badly sidles up to Marlin. It’s awkward_.

REMUS  
(practically yelling) Yes, hello, sir, would you like to purchase these narcotics?

MARLIN  
Are you a cop?

REMUS  
No! Definitely not!

MARLIN  
You’re literally wearing a Prefect badge right now.

REMUS  
Well, you know, ah… the… Prefect salary, you know, it’s not what it used to be and with this economy… I have to… put food on the table for me and my… kids. Yes, me and my three little ones. Patricia… Molly… Dougan. Their mother left us a few months ago. She… fell to the siren call of the sea. She’s on a ship somewhere and I haven’t seen her since. I have to, er, sell you these drugs, for that reason.

MARLIN  
Okay, you’re definitely a cop.

REMUS  
No, I’m a single father! How do I know that _you’re_ not a cop?

 _Brutus approaches, looking nervous_.

BRUTUS  
Everything okay over here? Need Bone Crusher?

REMUS  
… Bone Crusher?

 _Brutus whips out a large bat with spikes on it. The name “BONE CRUSHER” is painted in red on its side. It is suspiciously stained with a different shade of red_.

REMUS  
No, he’s definitely gonna buy the drugs, right?

MARLIN  
Yes, of course. I love drugs!

REMUS  
Okay, well, uh, here you go. And that’s my first and last transaction. I’m sorry, kids, Daddy’s not cut out for this rough-and-tumble street life.

 _Remus wanders away like a broken man_.

MARLIN  
Yikes.

BRUTUS  
Yeah, seriously.

CUT TO:

**14\. GRYFFINDOR COMMON ROOM -- NIGHT**

_The Marauders are, once again, sitting cozily in the Common Room. Sirius is reading a magazine. James is pouring over endless pages of notes. Remus is sitting upside down on the couch, pulling at his hair, a panicked look in his eyes_.

REMUS  
How am I going to feed them? God, I am an absolute failure as a father. My poor kids, Daddy’s so sorry. I tried, I really did. We’re going to starve and it’s all because Daddy isn’t strong enough to do what needs to be done.

SIRIUS  
What, in the name of Merlin’s washboard abs, are you going on about?

REMUS  
My children! Molly… Patricia… Sweet little Dougan. He’s so young. Too young to die... Such innocence, lost to my incompetence. Please Dougan, forgive your foolish daddy. How will I ever forgive myself? How will God ever forgive me? And my darling, the love of my life, my gorgeous Cassiopea, lost to the sea these last four years. What did I do, sweeting? Why have you left me and forsaken our children? They are the best part of me, you were the best part of me and now I am alone and desolate, a broken man, a broken daddy with no hope.

SIRIUS  
Okay, two things. First, stop saying “daddy.” Second, you don’t have any children, and you definitely don’t have a wife.

REMUS  
(wailing) Not anymore I don’t! She fell prey to that sweet tempter, Posiedon.

SIRIUS  
We’ve all been there. (beat) Moons, are you okay?

REMUS  
How can you ask me that? How can I be okay when my children are dying -- when my heart is dying? Drowning in the very waves that carry my darling farther away from me?

 _Peter enters the Common Room as Remus jerks and falls off the couch with a sudden spark of energy. He springs to his feet_.

REMUS  
That’s it! I’ll go find her! Cassiopea, I’ll come for thee!

 _He runs out the door before anyone can say another word_.

PETER  
Is he okay?

SIRIUS  
Yeah, he’s fine. Just distressed that you got detention.

JAMES  
(wiping a tear away) I hope he finds his wife.

CUT TO:

**15\. INT. EMPTY CLASSROOM -- MIDDAY**

_Once again, Sirius circles Snape, surveying him. Snape has cleaned up quite nicely, and Sirius is legitimately impressed_.

SIRIUS  
Alright, now that you’ve cleaned up and you’re looking… I guess we’d call this your best... we can move on to the second lesson in Being Cool. So, one thing you nerds do all the time is overthink everything. I’m here to tell you that being cool is all about speaking your mind and just saying the first thing that comes to your head confidently. If you’re confident, no one will notice that what you said was stupid.

SNAPE  
Trust me, we notice.

SIRIUS  
My point is, don’t be a quiet little weirdo in every dark corner you can find. Spread your wings! Let your true self shine! Or, well, let it kind of flicker in the light like an unpolished candlestick. Now, I’m going to say some opening lines, and you’re going to try to be charming. Okay, here we go. Hey, Snape, any plans for the weekend?

SNAPE  
None of your-- I mean, uh, yeah. I was thinking of working on that potions essay.

SIRIUS  
Too nerdy. Edge it up a little.

SNAPE  
I’m gonna buy hard drugs and smoke the shit out of them.

SIRIUS  
Edge it down…

SNAPE  
I’m gonna… blow off all my homework to terrorize unwitting first years?

SIRIUS  
There we go! Now you’re getting it. Here’s another one. Where’d you get those shoes?

SNAPE  
I’d tell you the shop, but you won’t have heard of it.

SIRIUS  
Ooh, mysterious. Very good. Work with that. One more. Wanna hang out tomorrow?

SNAPE  
Not with the likes of you, kid.

SIRIUS  
Aloof! Very, very good. I never thought I’d say this, but you might actually not be terrible at everything.

SNAPE  
Thanks?

SIRIUS  
Great, well, we’ll do our last lesson tonight at dinner in the Great Hall, Sev.

 _Sirius pats Snape on the back and moves to leave the classroom, but Snape calls out to him_.

SNAPE  
Wait, Bl-- er, Sirius? I’ve been working on a spell. I think maybe you’d appreciate it?

SIRIUS  
Lay it on me.

SNAPE  
It’s _Levicorpus_. It pulls people upside down by their ankle.

SIRIUS  
That’s… absolutely brilliant. Super cool, Sev. See you later tonight.

CUT TO:

**16\. INT. GREAT HALL -- LUNCH **

_James is correcting Lily’s posture as she attempts to eat her lunch_.

JAMES  
And you’ve almost got it, but, here, your arms should really be like this…

 _He wraps his arms around her and adjusts her elbows. James leans in close_.

JAMES  
And now I’m gonna teach you how purebloods kiss.

 _James puckers up. Lily breaks away from him_.

LILY  
And I’m gonna teach you how muggleborns punch!

 _Lily punches James just as McGonagall is walking by_.

MCGONAGALL  
Evans, that’s not the sort of behavior I expect from you! Detention to both of you!

JAMES  
What? _She_ punched _me_!

MCGONAGALL  
And I’m sure you deserved it.

 _McGonagall saunters away. James nurses his nose as Lily storms away as well_.

CUT TO:

**17\. INT. LIBRARY -- MIDDAY**

_Remus is back in the Library, talking to himself. He looks...rough_.

REMUS  
I need a hobby. A good hobby. One that isn’t too stupid or too boring or too questionable. Something good. Something solid.

BACKGROUND SLYTHERIN  
Hey, I have a good idea for a hobby!

REMUS  
Really?

BACKGROUND SLYTHERIN  
Yeah, shutting the fuck up.

 _Kingsley Shacklebolt shushes the background Slytherin as he walks by. Remus’s face lights up_.

REMUS  
Hang on, that’s it! Kingsley! He’s a solid dude! Mild, but not boring, and a generally good guy all around. I bet he’d have a great hobby! (calling to KINGSLEY) Hey, Kingsley! Wait!

 _Kingsley stops and stares Remus down as he catches up_.

KINGSLEY  
Lupin?

REMUS  
Kingsley! You have a hobby, right?

 _Kingsley yanks him down using his tie and hisses in Remus’s ear_.

KINGSLEY  
Not here, idiot! It’s the middle of the afternoon on a Tuesday!

 _Kingsley stares Remus down, considering him for a moment. Remus is terrified_.

KINGSLEY  
If you really want a hobby, you can meet me here at midnight.

 _Remus nods through the terror and Kingsley releases him_.

CUT TO:

**18\. INT. GREAT HALL -- DINNER**

_Snape and Sirius stand near the entrance. Snape is taking steadying breaths. James and Peter approach, apprehensive_.

JAMES  
What’s all this then?

SIRIUS  
Ah, James, perfect. You’ve come just in time to witness my star and only pupil work his magic! Witness how I’ve transformed him!

JAMES  
Are you sure this is a good idea?

SIRIUS  
What’s the worst that could happen? Okay, it’s showtime.

 _Sirius turns and gestures broadly, projecting his voice so everyone notices_.

SIRIUS  
Hey, Sev, how’s it going?

SNAPE  
It was going great until I saw these losers.

 _He gestures broadly to the entire Great Hall. Sirius nods his approval_.

SIRIUS  
Agressive. So, how about that Potions essay?

SNAPE  
I’m not doing it. I’ve got better things to do with my time.

SIRIUS  
Don’t we all? Any weekend plans?

SNAPE  
Eh, I dunno, but I sure won’t be outside.

SIRIUS  
Why’s that?

SNAPE  
It’s a full moon on Saturday. Don’t wanna risk a run in with any filthy flea-mongering werewolf half-breed trash.

 _Sirius stands, stunned, for a moment, and heaves a sigh_.

SIRIUS  
You know? We were doing so well. We had something, you and I. Don’t tell me you didn’t feel it. Don’t tell me it wasn’t real! I know how these things feel, and that’s exactly how it feels. And, yes, I’m hearing this, and I know how it sounds, but don’t get the wrong idea. Anyway, my point is, _Levicorpus_!

 _Snape is pulled up into the air by his ankle, yelling as he struggles against his own spell. McGonagall screeches from the other side of the Hall. Sirius releases the spell and Snape crumbles to the ground. McGonagall has made her way to the scene_.

MCGONAGALL  
Really? Detention!

SIRIUS  
But he said that werewolves are half-breed trash and that they all deserve death!

SNAPE  
I didn’t --

MCGONAGALL  
Fine. You all have detention. Happy?

SIRIUS  
No, but also yes.

CUT TO:

**19\. INT. HOGWARTS CASTLE -- MIDNIGHT**

_Remus follows Kingsley down a winding corridor. They eventually stop and pace back and forth a few times until a large door appears_.

KINGSLEY  
If you speak a word to anyone about what you’re about to see, I will do everything in my power to destroy you. Got it?

REMUS  
Loud and clear.

_Kingsley takes off his shirt and enters. Remus looks at his own shirt, and decides it’s best left on his body. He follows Kingsley inside. Smoke is thick in the air. What he can see is: Aberforth Dumbledore petting a goat, a circle of cloaked figures standing in a corner, crates of roosters stacked on top of each other in the opposite corner, and in the middle of the room a roped off square in which stands Kingsley and another shirtless full grown man, both of whom are in fighting stances. Surrounding the square is a mixed crowd of Hogwarts students and random adults hurriedly exchanging money. Remus takes this all in, takes a deep breath, turns on his heel, and walks out._

_Remus wanders the hallways aimlessly, occasionally stopping to look behind him, increasing confusion and terror etching his face with each step. He turns a corner and runs headfirst into McGonagall. He staggers back, but is too speechless to apologize_.

MCGONAGALL  
You’re not the on-duty Prefect, and yet here you are, out of bed at an ungodly hour, no doubt up to something with your… friends. I expected better of you. This is exactly the sort of behavior I was hoping to stomp by suggesting you for Prefect. I’m truly disappointed in you, Mr. Lupin, and not for the first time. Detention. Go to bed.

 _Remus nods, turns around, and heads to his dorm, still shell-shocked_.

CUT TO:

**20\. INT. DETENTION -- EARLY EVENING**

_Sirius, James, Peter, Snape, and Lily all sit in detention. Sirius glares openly at Snape, who pointedly ignores him. Remus enters, and lifts his arms in exasperation_.

REMUS  
Guys…! (pauses and sighs, defeated) Nevermind.

 _Remus slumps in a seat next to Sirius and puts his head on his desk in defeat. Sirius pats him on the back_.

SIRIUS  
We tried, mate. It’s just not for us. We were born to be up to no good.

END


End file.
